Saturday, November 4, 2017
The deeper I dig into my self, the more wisdom I find, but also the more barriers I find to peace. A narcissist does not have this ability and is therefore the reason they have no ability for empathy. On the other hand, I have no choice but to self-reflect in order to solve the only thing that matters to each of us in the end, solving conflicts of the 'self'.
I have solved most of mine, yet every time I solve one, another seems to pop up, and I go deeper down the rabbit hole of self reflection. What I discover is that I am finding myself one step closer to the absolute truth I am seeking each time, but I am not sure where the bottom of the hole is yet. What I discovered this time was quite important and if you have ever been emotionally or psychologically abused by a narcissist, you will want to pay attention to this part.
I was well respected by my peers and clients when I left my job less than two years ago, and I loved almost every aspect of my job, except the constant lack of balance and high anxiety that was being orchestrated around me. I tell you this so that you understand better how it felt for me when I was 'pushed' out in a few days, and I got the silent treatment from everyone, even the ones I considered close friends at the time. They all became enablers and bystanders at that point, and probably don't realize that they are carrying quite a bit of guilt for it now.
If they feel they have done nothing wrong, then the guilt will not be present at the moment. Once they leave their toxic situation and begin reflecting on themselves, they will know what it feels like to be in my position, and if they are empathic will feel tremendous amount of guilt at that time. I certainly don't want that for any of them! These are good people who were being unknowingly abused and didn't have the strength to help themselves, let alone me.
I had no self guilt at the time and still don't, but that is simply because I did not deserve the treatment I received. I had guilt of others because I felt like an enabler who was unable to help and had to leave for my own sanity, and therefore another negative shot to the self esteem at the time.
I was left alone to deal with a mental breakdown and my world at that time was just taken away from me, and again I had done nothing to deserve this treatment in any way at this point, except I pointed out a few truths about wrongdoings in the workplace I had been keeping to myself. Once I questioned the narcissist in front of others with some truths, I was almost immediately black-balled and perpetrated as someone with mental health issues. You are damned right I had mental health issues at the time, but I was still very rational as well.
The mental health issues I was suffering at the time were all created by one person. They were, and are, very good at what they do in this regard. Even though I had been broken down over a couple of years and was being pushed into the flight instinct on a regular basis, I still have a big heart and the fight part was still there. I felt broken and diminished at the time and everyone deserted me. Thank God they did, because I learned more about people in general from that experience than any other before in my life.
Although I took some passive-aggressive steps to fight back, being alone against a team of 'flying monkeys' was a battle I could not win, especially in the weakened state I was in. What I also learned later was that my fight instinct was not even for myself, it was for the others who were suffering along side of me, and I had much guilt because I felt like a bystander and enabler myself. I saw a problem, I saw abuse happening, and yet i could do little to nothing about it.
That is the guilt that I found deep in the hole this time. Even though I was able to peacefully walk away eventually like most of the solid research on narcissistic abuse suggests, something continued to eat away at me the whole time. I was able to spend months reflecting and rebuilding my inner self, which took a lot of work, and I am glad I did it all, but talk about exhausting! A year and half later I find both peace within myself, but also that I am still carrying some guilt, and I need to figure out why.
If you are a bystander or enabler right now and think you can change the narcissist, I hate to say it but you are sadly mistaken. You are still filling their supply or they would not be keeping you around right now. You will eventually be in the same spot as I am right now, and the guilt does not simply go away. It has to be faced head on!
I spent my whole life standing up for those who could not stand up for themselves, and when I needed it in return, there was nobody there. This huge realization helps push me forward now! I have only my 'self' to rely on, and thank goodness I have worked so hard on that!!
When I was young I used my fists to stand up to bullies who preyed upon the weak and vulnerable. Now that I am older and much wiser, I use my words to do a much greater job of this. My suggestion to you is don't be an enabler or bystander, or you will eventually suffer a lot of guilt that you may not even know is growing in you yet. Stop looking at the abuser and feeling sympathy or empathy for them and start giving those things to the other victims around you, because you know they are there!
I am now at peace with what my abuser has done to me, but i am not at peace yet with what she is doing to others. How can I call myself an empathetic being if I continue to be a bystander or enabler? Simply put, I can't!
I have been abused by many narcissists in my life and seem to attract them like bees to honey. I know that I will still attract more in my future as well. Thank God I have educated myself along the way and know how to spot them now. What I do know is that I will no longer carry the guilt that goes along with the abuse, and I suggest you find ways to do the same before it is too late.
For me, I now have the strength and lack of fear to face this problem head on, no matter the consequences. I will stand up for what is right once again, as opposed to do what makes things 'easy' or without conflict. My book will point out many of the narcissists in my community as examples of what you can look for. The only tool I have to fight back and no longer be an enabler is exposure of the truth. The truth of what I went through so the narcissist can be exposed for who they truly are, and so others can clearly see the demon inside!
p.s. I added this afterwards and found the thought very relevant, and I don't want to forget it for a later blog. Our community and many other use slogans for bullying, such as 'See something, say something', or 'Step up, Stand up'. I am stepping up, to stand up to the bullies in my community through the focus of their narcissistic qualities, and how they are affecting the 'victims'. If you aren't a bully, you have nothing to worry about. If you are considered a bully, I am about to put you all on your toes!
Friday, November 3, 2017
As I step forward each day into the rest of the healing process, I find new and interesting aspects to overcoming psychological and emotional abuse. Anyone who knows the basics about NPD and general narcissism, knows that they are very good at playing the victim when someone returns the behaviours that they used against you in the first place. They will use anything they can find to garner sympathy from those around them, especially their flying monkeys.
I don't condone the behaviour of the flying monkeys, but know how off balance the real victims can be in these situations, and their minds are often out of control and cloudy, even though they often don't even know it themselves at the time. Once you can stand back and take a clear objective view of the reality you have been faced with, you get the chance to reflect and find out how out of control you really were at the time. I was astounded myself when this realization occurred.
So if I am able to keep my narc abuser off balance with my words, and by reminding her that my truths will likely tarnish all illusions she has created for those around her, and all the good that was accomplished off of the backs of the abused will eventually take away all memories of any good that was created out of it. What a shame for everyone involved, but should the malignant narcissist walk away untarnished after all of this?
Some will say yes and to continue the 'no contact' philosophy, but I say that if I know a problem exists and that others are being affected negatively, as I was, then I cannot be an enabler or bystander anymore!
As I continue to add pages to my book, it reminds me that words can be so very powerful, and that I am about to tarnish the reputations of several narcissists in my community at the same time. Some of them even stood by my abuser and treated me just as poorly as she did, and someone needs to tell that story, because it is not just me who has been affected in very deep and negative ways from these people. Other good people have also suffered many of the effects of emotional and psychological abuse from the very same person and people i am referring to, and they all show narcissistic qualities.
I guess they like to bully in teams because they have such weak hearts inside. I feel badly for them in some ways, but I cannot condone their behaviours any more. I plan to start posting parts of my book on a separate site and will share the link here eventually. I want the people in my community to get a taste of some of the corruption, nepotism, and bullying going on in much of our municipality, the things most of them never get to see because they only see the surface, which is being 'presented' and marketed to them.
This blog for the moment is my way of striking back at narcissists in the hopes that i may learn some successful methods in dealing with them. I will share both my successes and failures as I go along, but for those who still like creep my pages and check up on me, just know that you are likely on my 'list' right now. If you are on my list, and I hold a truth about you that you may feel some guilt towards, maybe it is time for you to do some self reflecting for the first time in your life, and actually try to grow as human being.
Otherwise wait until the truth emerges and deal with it at that time, but the truth cannot be hidden forever, especially in this case. I am certainly not out to destroy or hurt anyone, I am simply trying to teach a lesson that needs to be learned. My hopes are that I will be able to teach a narc or two the hard lessons that we had to learn, so they can maybe find a way to experience empathy for the first time.
There is lots of information about going no contact with narcissists, I am hoping to help with a more aggressive approach where the abused eventually have a way to fight back and gain their confidence and self-esteem back. Don't ever fight back with violence or malice, fight back with kindness and compassion. I mean this in the way a parent would teach and condition a child, using a firm but loving hand. I suggest using words instead of the hand though!
Thursday, November 2, 2017
This question came to my mind today that opened up several realizations for me; What was the worst part about the psychological abuse i endured, and why is it so hard to completely let go of? I was bombarded by responses by my beloved ego, and most of them were quite rational and logical, but they all seemed to come from a negative perspective. So, I put the topic away for a few hours so my self could ponder it more deeply.
I even discussed the issue with a friend in the hopes that it would help me to identify the core answer to the question I had posed of myself. I won't take you through all of the points of self discovery over the past hours and will get right to my current answers, and better understand the validity of them.
The worse part is feeling like I was always off balance inside myself. Like someone had identified my underlying anxiety disorder and began to feed off of it My anxiety grew over time, and I did not truly see what had happened until it was too late, and I was too weak to overcome it, even with the tremendous coping skills I have acquired over the past few decades. I was being controlled as one would control a string puppet. I was being kept out of control and weak so I would basically do as I was told.
Talk about a kick in the pride once you discover that one! Now that I understand that point, why can't I let go of it? Well, I answered that with my previous statement, pride. How do we as basic human animals allow ourselves to be attacked in any way without wanting to fight back? That whole flight or fight instinct lying down there in our ID (Freud had some excellent theories to work with).
Although I do my very best to remain humble, I still suffer from the deadliest of all sins, and it is what I was conditioned with in my own younger development. Someone has wronged me, and then to throw salt on the wound, they turn the others in your life against you at the same time, as they play the victim, which narcissists do very well. So I have felt stuck between the rock, pride, and the hard place, human kindness, for a very long time.
Do I be kind and let go, and become an enabler of that person's bad behaviour? Or does human kindness tell me to teach that person the lesson they need to learn so that they don't continue hurting others. Do I let pride take over and decide to fight back with all I have? I will guess at this point that the answer lies somewhere in between the two.
Here is what I discovered today so far, and what I will finish this blog with; I believe that as someone who has both sympathy and empathy towards the situation, with a large amount of insight into the problem, I believe it is my job to show the other person the error of their ways. Not through violence, or any sort of unlawful behaviour, but through the kind caring eyes of a teacher or sage.
Someone with a narcissistic personality disorder has no empathy and their intent is usually malicious. I cannot not practice empathy because it is natural for me to do so, and I am not very good at being malicious or mean, so I must come up with a better way to teach them. How about showing them what they have done to us and let them begin their own self-reflection. This would be brand new for them and even provide them with hopes of saving a very small piece of their soul before they leave this world.
A narcissist will keep you off balance and feeling out of control so that they can keep control, and continue to fill their narcissistic supply. They do this by honing in on your greatest fears and weaknesses, and then use them skillfully against you. Well, why can I not do the same in return, but from a more caring perspective? The single greatest fear of the narcissist is exposure. They fear being caught for their actions and behaviours more than anything else. They do not want the public to see them for who they really are, or 'the gig will be up' so to speak.
Maybe if we can put the narcissist off balance for a while, they will finally get a sense of what it feels like, and they will stop preying on good people, especially empathetic beings. I have been writing a book about my community and it is over half written now. It also contains in depth truths of what I went through behind closed doors, while others looked the other way, and still continue to do so. Well they won't be able to once my book comes out.
Maybe I can keep the narcissists off balance for a while and teach them something in the mean time. It will be a hard lesson, but one that needs to be taught whether they want to hear it or not. I will no longer stand by and watch others be abused as I was, without making a strong attempt to put a stop to it.
Narcs, I am coming for you! If you are not a narcissist and believe you have never hurt another in this way ever, then you have nothing to fear. But if you feel a twinge of fear that you may be exposed, you may want to begin self reflecting before it is too late. That shit will eat you up inside, believe me, this has been a long battle with myself, and yours has just begun!
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
One of the most difficult things to overcome long after narcissistic abuse is the remaining and lingering thoughts. As much as we can get over the effects, the memories are still there and when things we see or hear bring them back to mind, it can feel like you are right there in the heart of it once again.
A year and a half after my 2 year ordeal with a covert/malignant narcissist for a boss, I am thankful for the experience, but there is still lingering resentment that sometimes comes back to haunt me. Often the hardest part is the reminder that she still seems to thrive, while those she has abused continue to suffer.
I refer to being thankful for the experience, and this is because if used properly, conflicting situations such as mine can lead to an abundance of personal growth. In my case, it helped me to finally see some things within my self that I was able to repair from years of emotional abuse in my past. This personal growth has led to a whole new me, one who is still physically broken in many ways, but emotionally and mentally I have never been stronger, or with a greater lack of fear.
The narcissist keeps you living in fear and anxiety, and all the while you often don't even know it is happening because the growth of the virus is slow and excruciating. It becomes deeply rooted in your psyche and removing it can be near impossible. The Covert narcissist is greatly skilled in this regard, and the worst of them all as far as I am concerned. I am ready to fight evil I can see in front of me, but evil that can mask itself as goodness for the naked eye is the worst kind of evil.
The narcissist I speak of, whom I will name soon enough, is a prominent member of my community and not near enough people have been able to see her 'other side'. She markets herself beautifully and knows how to manipulate the general public very well. All the while, she is using good people to fulfill her supply, and make herself look like a gem, where truly she is a chunk of coal.
My greatest narcissistic quality is that I believe she must still check up on me, and it is my hopes that she will be reading this as well. Maybe I can educate her a little and show her how horrible she truly is. They say that you can't fix someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, but I can at the very least try.
I plan to use my new 'self' to start exposing the narcissists in my own community in a very public way. I will start with the ones I have been personally affected by and then start helping my clients with theirs. It is time for the empathic beings of the world to fight back against this growing evil of narcissism. I will use the truth for mine, and I am currently writing a couple of songs that I hope to release in the next month or so. I will provide the youtube link here once I do.
I am back on the idea of exposing narcissists and will try to keep a journal here of my successes and failures in order to help others who are trying to do the same. I hope you will share any ideas you may have in the comments section.
Namaste and be well