Friday, November 17, 2017

Did I Deserve To Be Abused??

Although I have mostly healed my self, something seems to keep nagging at me and it is why I continue to have outbursts of words like these lately.  It is one thing to heal though, and another to see a situation that has not healed, or been resolved.  The fact that the abuse continues to this day for others led me to a better state of thinking on one hand, while continuing to be concerned for the victims.

I have the though pop into my head earlier, did I deserve the abuse that I received?  Had I done something wrong or done bad things that caused someone else to treat me poorly and abuse my good nature? After much reflection over the past couple of years, I know that not all of my actions are ever perfect, but they are all well intended and come from a place of empathy and kindness.  Did I do anything to deserve how I was treated?? Not even close!!

This has been one of the barriers I have met over and over again in my healing process, but I don't know if I have ever been so clear of a certain line of questioning towards myself.  If I had done things to deserve the abuse then I could have looked back and understood that this was a consequence of my own actions.  That is what has added to the difficulty of 'getting over it'.  I certainly did not deserve the treatment I received and therefore must now do something about it.

If we allow people freedom to abuse others with no recourse, then how can we stand up and be proud as human beings?  I still understand the idea of 'no contact' with the narcissist, but this is for our 'self' so we can heal first.  Once we have healed inside, we must use that healed state to heal wrongs in the world I believe.  I may be healed, but the other abused have not, and there will be more as long as the abuser holds the power and pulls all of the strings.

I have to admit that I now find it a little amusing how She can pulls the strings of everyone around her, and they don't even know.  Even her bosses never get to see the real her, and she pulls their strings like a skilled puppeteer would.  I wonder how long before those strings will break once the mask falls off, and the truth is revealed?!

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